Not missing, not drowned...

I'VE RECENTLY been working on a collection of essays on Life After Death (it's a mid-life crisis thing) and was much encouraged in the project by meeting someone who was reportedly stone deid.

An explanation is necessary.

I had met my pal the incomparable Diane Chapeau, a restaurateur, in town and she had informed me of the death of Mr Barnaby Hawkes, the former manager of the fine dining restaurant in the George Intercontinental.

I was both very saddened and surprised at the news as Barnaby and I share many friends and I hadn't even heard he was ill

A quick check on Google led to a piece in the Evening News which confirmed the sad tidings, for there was the legendary columnist John (Gibbo) Gibson giving a fulsome and complimentary bit of blurb to the late departed.

Aghast, I e-mailed the sad news of the item to the said friends and belted off to the pub to see if I could get confirmation. But nobody was there and it was only after I had thumped remorselessly on the door of a sleeping pal that I was delighted to hear that Barnaby was in fact very much alive, and was quick to bash out another e-mail.with news of his return journey across the Styx..

It's a funny business meeting someone you thought had been deid.

It took place the following afternoon at a party where the delightful Barnaby welcomed me with a huge smile, and even got me a settling drink, for if it wasn't really like seeing a ghost it was pretty damn near it.

To get to the core of the matter John Gibson had been daft enough to trust two politicians who had both told him that Barnaby was deid, though being a good hack he was reluctant to reveal who. The piece had been read by Madame Chapeau and the rest is obvious.

Of course the best part of the tale is that Barnaby had the pleasure of phoning John Gibson and scaring the holy hell out of him.

In fact he did no such thing and was very sweet to the man and assured him that they were both still pals and not to worry a jot, and Gibson was quick to write a grovelling apology in the papers.

Ah me, what a useful tool a sense of humor is to get you through life. Or indeed your reported death.

A couple of points.

First, this is surely yet another example of how we shouldn't trust anything we hear from politicians..

Mr Gibson is one of Scotland's most experienced and respected journalists and he could hardly be blamed for printing something that two respected politicians had told him.

And yet it was complete nonsense.

The other point worth noting is what a lovely man Barnaby Hawkes is.

Presumably he could have sued the Evening News for giving his pals heart failure, at the news of his own.

Or at the very least got Mr Gibson to stump up for a pre-wake. Or maybe that should be an a-wake - or even an e-wake?

Instead he has been just delightful to everyone

Thinking about it, I hope he does.

And then those two politicians might have to foot a hefty bill for having been caught telling whoppers.

Now wouldn't that be something?

MAXWELL MACLEOD